Dear Lila,
Your father and I have a great marriage. It's not perfect; some days we want to claw each other's eyes out. Some days we go to bed without speaking. And some days, we're perfectly content being alone (he works nights). But at the end of the day, we love each other. The reason we fight sometimes is because we love each other. We want the best for you and your brother, and sometimes have to hash that out. Sometimes we are in bad moods for no reason.
But we always say "I'm sorry". We always say "I love you". There are some days when we see a glimpse of the "us" we were in 2004, before deployments, before Germany, before children and before we had to truly grow up. We get to be silly and laugh, make jokes, pick on each other and give kisses (even in front of you). We remember why we work so hard to make our marriage work; it's because we love each other through the fights, the bad days, the disagreements and the dirty laundry.
Something people don't tell you about marriage, Lila, is that it's work. It's hard. You have to work at your marriage every single day and don't ever let anyone tell you any differently. You'll go through what they call a honeymoon phase, where you want to kiss and be lovey and snuggly and you overlook every flaw, every possible disagreement because no one, anywhere has ever been as happy as you two are right then. No one has ever loved anyone the way you love each other. But then the newness wears off, and real life sets in, and the work starts. So here's some advice from your mom, an old married lady who hopes to be married to your dad for the rest of your life.
*Marry a man who treats you like a princess. This doesn't mean he showers you with gifts and "things" but that he makes you feel important and treats you like a precious gem. Because you are. That's not narcissistic, you are a human being and one-of-a-kind and he needs to recognize that.
*Marry a man who isn't threatened when you have to be the knight in shining armor. The best marriages are reciprocal; sometimes he may run out of gas and need you to rescue him. It doesn't make him less of a man, it means you're a team.
*Marry a man who isn't afraid to hurt your feelings, or get his hurt in return. Honesty is one of the most attributes in anyone you spend your time with, but especially one you intend to spend your whole life with. And that means sometimes telling each other "You're being a jerk" because sometimes, you're being a jerk. And you need to hear it.
*Marry a man that makes you laugh. You're going to spend hours together, at the dinner table, on airplanes, in cars and in waiting rooms. That time is better spent in humor than in silence.
*Then again, there's something to be said for silence. Marry someone you're content to sit in silence with. You don't always have to talk. Be comfortable with each other, and that will speak for itself.
*Don't be afraid to let him see you sick, without makeup and in sweatpants. Marilyn Monroe once said, "If you can't handle me at my worst, you sure don't deserve me at my best." If your beauty, in his eyes, lies in your curled hair and manicured nails, he doesn't deserve you.
*Never change who you are for a man. You'll hate yourself for it. You're perfect the way you are, and someone one day will love you for all the things that you are, not all the things you're not.
*Never give up your friends for a man. If he asks you to, he's insecure. If you do it on your own, you'll regret it. Friends are there to pick us up when the rest of the world lets us down and I assure you, he's going to let you down. We're human.
*Don't be afraid to go to bed mad. Sometimes, you just need to sleep on it to then wake up and realize you were wrong. And sometimes, you have to be the bigger person and say "I'm sorry" first, even if you're not the only one at fault. Pride goeth before the fall, and no amount of pride is worth losing your soulmate.
*Don't be afraid to hold hands or kiss him in public. But have some decency about it. If you love someone, you show them. You shout it from the rooftops. But you're a lady, and what ever you do in public will always get back to your mother.
*Absolutely, positively believe in soul mates. There is someone out there that is absolutely meant for you. You may find him in the first boy you date. You may find him at 13, and not know it until 22. And even then, you may not want to believe it for a few months. You may find him at 40. Or you may find out that he is a she. I don't care who you marry, as long as you feel in your soul that it's who you're supposed to be with. I keep saying "marry a man" but that's because I did. You may find out that your soulmate is a woman. As your mother I will always want the best for you, and the best is the person that treats you like the precious soul that you are.
I wish I could tell you that life was easy, that you'd never be sad and that you'll never have your heart broken. But I'm here to be your mom and tell you the truth. The truth is, you're going to break hearts and have yours broken, and you're going to feel like nothing will ever be right again. It's been said that someone will come along one day and make you understand why it never worked out with anyone else. There's about a billion country songs about thinking you're going to marry someone and finding out later why God had other plans. Don't give up on love because you strike out. Don't be afraid to give your heart to someone. Your dad can drive me nuts with a bag of tortilla chips and he threatens bodily harm every time he finds a bobby pin in his chair; but I'd go to hell and back for him and he's already been there for me. Marriage is hard, but it's worth every bit of it.
