Letters to Lila: Change

Dear Lila,

I don't like change. Ever. Even when it's good change. Because change means there's some modicum of unknown variables, and I like to deal in neither the unknown nor variables. I like to know what's going on. You, at the precocious age of 15 months, already have this quality. You want to know everything, and you don't like when things change. For example, in your little mind, doors are to be closed. All the time. You go in one, you close it. Simple, right? So when we leave a door open, to a bedroom or bathroom, you and your lifetime of determination make your way over to said door with lightning speed to close it. Doors close. Period.

But sometimes, baby bird, doors open. And we have to embrace change. Your mom had a door open recently. I was offered a job at Salem College. You know it well, having been there many, many times already in your short little life. You cut your first tooth there, in August while mommy was there to welcome new students moving in. You have done two Race for the Cures that start and end on that campus. And when mommy had the opportunity to go back to this place called home, she took it.

Change is good. But it's terrifying. Of my old job, I pretty much knew what to expect. This new job will be different. It will be very similar to the job mommy had right when she graduated from this great place, but this time she's a little more grown up. She has some knowledge of the world, and a family. She lives in a different city. There are things that have changed, and things that have stayed the same. This is a change that will be good for all of us. But that doesn't mean I like it.

It's okay to be afraid of change. But don't ever let fear hold you back. I'm a grown up and I'm still afraid of it. But if I let it hold me back, I would have never gone to Salem College and been the lady I am today. I would have never married your daddy, and moved to Germany and had my whole life changed for the better. I wouldn't have become a mom, I wouldn't have done most of the things in my life that I got to choose. Most people think your mom is fearless. And that's okay that they think that. Currently, you are fearless about some things and terrified about others. There's nothing wrong with that. It makes you smart and cautious, and wild and carefree.  And that is a good way to be, baby girl. All at the same time.

Change is inevitable. You don't have to embrace it right away, but you don't have to let it hold you back. Sometimes, doors are open for a reason.

Love,
Mom