Friday

So it was a tough day. I had myself convinced that I'd already processed it all. Ha! Typical Jessica. Tears, family, laughs, memories and one playlist I think he would have been proud of. 

The Band- The Weight

Bob Dylan- Let Me Die in My Footsteps

Bob Dylan- Lily, Rosemary and the Jack of Hearts

The Beatles- Yesterday

The Beatles- Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band 

Old Crow Medicine Show- Wagon Wheel 

Allman Brothers Band- Jessica 

The Beatles- Let it Be

Eric Clapton- Tears in Heaven 

Let me die in my footsteps

Thanks to Little Liz for pulling this out of the archives. 

I will not go down under the ground
’Cause somebody tells me that death’s comin’ ’round
An’ I will not carry myself down to die
When I go to my grave my head will be high
Let me die in my footsteps
Before I go down under the ground

There’s been rumors of war and wars that have been
The meaning of life has been lost in the wind
And some people thinkin’ that the end is close by
’Stead of learnin’ to live they are learnin’ to die
Let me die in my footsteps
Before I go down under the ground

I don’t know if I’m smart but I think I can see
When someone is pullin’ the wool over me
And if this war comes and death’s all around
Let me die on this land ’fore I die underground
Let me die in my footsteps
Before I go down under the ground

There’s always been people that have to cause fear
They’ve been talking of the war now for many long years
I have read all their statements and I’ve not said a word
But now Lawd God, let my poor voice be heard
Let me die in my footsteps
Before I go down under the ground

If I had rubies and riches and crowns
I’d buy the whole world and change things around
I’d throw all the guns and the tanks in the sea
For they are mistakes of a past history
Let me die in my footsteps
Before I go down under the ground

Let me drink from the waters where the mountain streams flood
Let the smell of wildflowers flow free through my blood
Let me sleep in your meadows with the green grassy leaves
Let me walk down the highway with my brother in peace
Let me die in my footsteps
Before I go down under the ground

Go out in your country where the land meets the sun
See the craters and the canyons where the waterfalls run
Nevada, New Mexico, Arizona, Idaho
Let every state in this union seep down deep in your souls
And you’ll die in your footsteps
Before you go down under the ground

-Bob Dylan 

Chop chop

My dad was impatient at best. He was punctual to a T. My mom was always 15 minutes late so my dad was forever rushing us along. I didn't inherit his punctuality despite him always telling me, "you are not important enough for people to have to wait for you." He meant no harm in this statement; it wasn't a blow to my ego. What he meant was that my time was no more valuable than the person who was waiting for me and I should respect that. 

Tonight I was rushing Hayden along in his lolly gag bedtime routine and he said, "Do you mean chop chop?" I asked where he heard it and he said a teacher. He was instantly worried that he was in trouble. I assured him he wasn't, but that phrase is one I heard my whole life, usually followed by "the bus is leaving!" So it took me by surprise. Since my dad loved the time he spent with Hayden, I'm sure he never uttered those words to him. He never rushed the time he had with my little dude. 

Chop chop dad; bus is leavin. 

Tooth fairy

Hayden lost a tooth last month. Bottom left front to be exact. He went to bed very excited about the idea of the tooth fairy. When he woke up he found $5 under his pillow. I put it in front of his bank so he could see it. The next day, his money wasn't there.

Me: Hayden where is your tooth fairy money?

H: I had to hide it. 

Me: from who?

H: From the leprechauns when they come for Packricks Day. 

Me: You know St. Patricks day is a long time away dude. And the leprechauns don't like dollars; they like gold. That's why the tooth fairy doesn't leave gold. 

(Pause)

H: They don't want my dollars?

Me: Nope. 

H: Okay. We should go find them then. 

Live like you were dying

Oh Tim McGraw. Kryptonite. Before, it was "If you're reading this", about a soldier who had been killed in action. Today I heard "Live like you were dying" and it unraveled me a bit. My dad didn't go skydiving or climb and mountains; he certainly didn't ride any bulls. But I think he delayed his trip to the hospital because he knew he wouldn't be coming out. So he loved us like he was dying. 

Catch up

We are down to five puppies in the house, three of whom need homes. We drove to VA, NJ, and Chapel Hill and has people come from Wilmington, High Point and Salisbury to get them. It's hard to see them go but I know they're going to good homes. 

My dad passed away on Friday. We kind of knew on Wednesday so I started letting him go then. It's going to be hard for a long time but for now, the tears have subsided. 

Lila has more teeth. Her incisors are coming in and that makes her cranky. Plus she's nearing two, so everything is "mine" and "no way" is her response of choice. 

Hayden is doing well in pre-k and is getting good at writing his name. He's really good at counting and writing his numbers. He's been on field trips to the library, the fair and the fire station. This week I get to take him on a field trip to a pumpkin patch. 

We are keeping one puppy. His name is Hero and he's beautiful. His paws are huge and that's an indicator of how big he will be. Yikes. 

Work is busy and good. I love being back at Salem and working with students. I'm so glad everything worked out the way it did. 

I'm likely to post more often so I don't fill up my newsfeed with memories of my dad. It's good to remember but I don't feel like Facebook is the place to bring people down. Here, people have the choice to read. 

Gravy

Today I made sausage gravy for breakfast. It's not my specialty or my favorite but it's what I wanted today. I flashed back to the first time I tried to make chip beef gravy in Germany. It was okay but not like my dad's. I called and asked what I did wrong. Skim milk?! My dad couldn't believe it. How could you even make gravy with skim milk, he asked. No wonder, he said.  

Today I used 1%. Even if I used whole milk, it wouldn't be like his.